New Yorker, June 1, 1998
Shouts & Murmurs
The Philosopher Is In
Lawrence Douglas & Alexander
George
A small but growing number of American
philosophers have opened private practices as "philosopher
practitioners," offering a therapy based on the idea
that solutions to many personal, moral, and ethical problems
can be found not in psychotherapy or Prozac but deep within
the 2,500-year-old body of philosophical discourse.
-- The Times, March 8, 1998
"So you say you often feel tired."
"That's right."
"Anxious?"
"Constantly."
"Any signs of existential nausea?"
"Uh, I suppose so."
"It's as I feared. We're looking at a metaphysical
disorder. How long have you had these feelings?"
"It's hard to say. I just haven't been myself lately."
"Hmm. So you're also experiencing periodic ontological
symptoms. And when you aren't yourself, who exactly are
you?"
"I don't really know."
"Epistemological confusions as well."
"I couldn't say."
"Just as I surmised. We may want to get a second
opinion, but it appears that you're suffering from the
Sickness Unto Death."
"Jeez. Is it-"
"Yes, fatal. A hundred per cent of the time."
"Oh, my God."
"At times like this, it's helpful to recall when
kierkegaard said: 'The questions whether despair is conscious
or not determines the qualitative difference between despair
and despair.'"
"How much time do I have?"
"Time? Why, none at all."
"What!"
"Remember what Augustine teaches us about time. Because
the future is what is yet to come, it has no being; and
because the past is what is gone, it doesn't exist any
longer. As for the present--well, it has no duration at
all. So of course you have no time."
"That's depressing. Isn't there anything you can
prescribe?"
"The most potent drug is reason."
"Do you think it might help me with my feelings of
inadequacy?"
"Where psychoanalysis has failed, syllogism is sure
to succeed. Tell me more about what's been troubling you."
"Well, there's my job."
"Yes?"
"I'm an I.R.S. auditor."
"Ahh. And what would you most like to be?"
"I've always wanted to be an orthodontist--nothing
beats orthodontia."
"Let's reflect on this. You'll agree that auditing
is better than nothing."
"That's certainly true."
"And you have just granted that nothing is better
than orthodontia."
"Yes."
"It follows, therefor, that auditing is better than
orthodontia."
"That makes me feel a little better. I'm starting
to see the value of this therapy."
"Indeed, at five hundred dollars a session it's a
bargain."
"Are you nuts?"
"It's really a negligible sum."
"Not to an I.R.S auditor."
"If I charged you merely one dollar, you'd agree
that was a negligible amount."
"Yes, of course, but-"
"And of you were to take a negligible amount and
add a single dollar, you'd be left with a negligible sum,
wouldn't you?"
"Well, yes, I suppose so."
"It follows, pari passu and mutatis mutandis, that
five hundred dollars must likewise be a negligible sum.
As Marx said, 'Money is the absolutely alienable-'"
"I can see I'm going to have to pull out last year's
returns and-"
"'Commodity. Because it's all other commodities divested
of their shape, the product of their universal alienation.'
What creates unhappiness, you see, is not unresolved childhood
trauma but the absence of philosophical examination. And
now I'm afraid our time is up."
"What? I just got here."
"Don't be so sure of that."
"But I saw the clock when I arrived."
"Don't presume such knowledge! Reflect on the Great
Skeptics claim that the heavens, the earth, colors, figures,
sound, and all other external things are nothing but illusions
and dreams of which some evil genius has availed himself
in order to lay traps for your credulity."
"Well. I'm sitting here talking to you aren't I?"
"That's something we're going to have to work on.
Here, take two meditations by Descartes and get plenty
of rest. I'll see you next week. And call me if you experience
any sudden loss of Being."
- The APPA is quite pleased that the New Yorker--a truly
world-class magazine--thinks highly enough of philosophical
practice to satirize it. Thanks for the compliment!
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